Ralph Bohner - Blog Posts

i have a boner for ralph bohner 💞

WandaVision spoilers below the cut.

WHAT THE KRIFF MARVEL!!!!!!! I’VE DIED THANKS TO YOU!!!! YOU DARE TO DANGLE PETER IN FRONT OF US, THEN YANK HIM AWAY LIKE A CAT TOY!?!??!!!!!!!!! I FREAKIN HATE THIS!!!!!!!

I'm still gonna hope that Ralph is really Peter in disguise, because let’s be honest, “Ralph BOHNER” is the type of name Peter would pick for going under cover. I’m a dying fan in denial, let me speculate!!!!!

Something Had Happened

Part 1 of ? of How series

Rating: Teen and up

Pairing: Peter Maximoff x fem!reader

Word Count: 3,700

Summary: As the person in charge of hiding and rehubilitating superheroes, you never expected to be tasked with hiding someone from another reality

Warnings: swearing, bad understanding of how the U.S. Marshal Service works, Tony is still alive :(

A/N: This was inspired by this post, wandavison, and my bullshit understanding of the X-men and the multiverse. This is set a year and a half after Civil War. And 6 months before the events of Infinity War. This fic spans from that time period all the way to WandaVision. So get ready for a slow burn fix-it fic. Because the dick joke was offensive.

Sunlight streamed in from the gaps of your curtains. You sat on the floor, back against your desk as you watched the dust particles swirl around, never settling on your cluttered room. Your head had never felt heavier, but you slowly turned it to stare at the cup of water sitting next to you.

You took a shaky breath and brought your hand up slowly. With a flick of your wrist a perfect circle of water rose up from the cup. You felt tears gathering in your eyes and you had to squeeze them shut to keep from completely breaking down. You heard the water plop back down into the cup as your concentration broke.

“Fuck fuck fuck.” You whispered, bringing your hands to yank at the roots in your hair. You tucked your head into your chest and drew your knees up, effectively turning yourself into a ball. You felt the tears finally roll down your face and you cursed again knowing you wouldn’t be able to stop. Your throat hurt from the sob you choked down and you tore your hand away from your hair and covered your mouth, trying to keep your sobs hidden. They wracked through your body and you pressed your forehead more firmly into your knees.

This couldn’t be happening. You couldn’t have powers. Half moon crescents from your nails digging into your cheek, throbbed as you pulled your hand away from your mouth.

In a pathetic fury you lunged for the cup of water and threw it at the wall. It shattered against a poster and the water and glass rained down on your floor.

You sniffled as you stared at the mess you made. Pity and misery washed over you again and you pressed your back, back to your desk.

-Ten Years Later-

You felt your blood hum as you strolled across the little bridge over the man made pond. You smirked as your fingers gave a little twitch, longing to be able to play among the water.

A large rectangular building lay ahead of you and you strode ahead with confidence. Your shoes crunched against the gravel courtyard. The Avengers Compound loomed impressively in front of you. It had been a year and a half since the “Civil War” happened and the compound hadn’t felt the same since. With people like Captain Rodgers, Agent Barton, Dr. Banner, and Thor, on the run or at their homes, nothing felt quite right.

Of course you knew where Agent Barton was, that was your job after all. You worked closely with S.H.I.E.L.D from the United States Marshal Service to utilize the operation, Witness Security Program, or more commonly called, The Federal Witness Protection Program. You were the sole person in charge of the link between the superheroes and the U.S. Department of Justice.

You shifted your briefcase from your right hand to your left and placed your palm on the door scanner. You bounced on the balls of your feet awkwardly as the tech read your prints. You leaned forward to do the same to your eye before the door buzzed open with a welcoming noise.

You strolled into the building with your head high, not wanting to look out of place. Not today. It wasn’t often that you visited the Avengers Compound, but something had happened.

You didn’t know exactly what it was, but your team had all been called in under the instruction of Mr. Stark and Director Mace.

You lamented losing not only Director Fury but Director Coulson, but you shook your head to clear the thought’s away. There were a lot of events to the two of them “leaving” the way they did.

You breezed down the corridors of the compound, wondering idly if your team had showed up yet. Agent Iyer definitely was, there was no doubt about it.

There were two members of your team, excluding you. Agent Iyer and Agent Tareen. You three occupied a very small part of the S.H.I.E.L.D. operations, called H.O.M.E., but the work you three did was top secret. Only the three of you, Director Mace, and the client you were assisting, knew what you did. And the Avengers of course. Just so they knew they had options. You wished more of them would come for help.

You along with Agents Tareen and Iyer worked at the U.S. Marshal Service helping normal people into the witness program. But you three were also available at the drop of a hat to work with S.H.I.E.L.D. and get their heroes in a safe home or witnesses away from supervillains.

It was like your normal job, just a little more extreme.

You rounded a corner and let out a huff once you saw both Agent Tareen and Agent Iyer sitting in the conference room. You checked your watch.

You were twenty minutes early.

Jackasses.

You eyed them through the window for a second, feeling nothing but pride for your team. Agent Tareen was wearing a beige hijab that was intricately wrapped on her head. A power suit adjourning her body. A comfy looking undershirt covered any skin that may be exposed and she looked incredibly bored sitting there. You smiled at her and looked over at Agent Iyer. His dark hair and dark beard matched his suit perfectly. You raised your eyebrow at the vest sitting underneath his jacket, but you weren’t surprised. Iyer would wear a three piece suit to meet with the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. You smiled at your smartly dressed associates and readjusted your grip on your briefcase.

You put on a ludicrous smile and shoved open the door. It banged open and you were surprised to see Mr. Stark standing there with them. You hadn’t noticed him from the window by the door.

“Agents. Mr. Stark.” You greeted, making your smile seem more charming. Mr. Stark looked up and nodded at you. Agent Tareen shot you a playful glare and you repressed the urge to stick your tongue out at her. You eyed a bowl of peanuts that sat in front of you before you quickly snatched a few and popped them into your mouth.

“Agent Y/L/N I presume. Right, now that we’re all here I’ll start,” Mr. Stark said and clapped his hands. He pulled out his phone and with a few taps holograms burst from it. He tapped around them, you tried to follow what he was even looking at, but it just looked like blue lights to you.

“Here we go, the wonder boy.” He said, dragging a specific picture on his phone to display onto the TV sitting across from you three. You slowly sink into a chair, placing your briefcase down quietly. You wheeled in next to Agent Iyer and looked up with morbid interest.

You really hoped it wasn’t a child.

Instead pictures of a man maybe a little younger than you flood the screen. He had blonde and silver hair, a silver jacket, goggles on his head, and headphones around his neck. He looked peaceful as he laid on the forest floor. You swallowed, not wanting to see a dead body this early in the morning.

Agent Tareen leaned forward in her chair and narrowed her eyes, studying the images carefully.

“A couple of kids found him. They were playing in the woods when they saw a man lying on the ground. They thought he was dead and their parents called 911. Local police and EMTs discovered he was indeed alive. Except he then moved away from them.” You furrowed your eyebrows and nodded along to what Mr. Stark was saying. This was weird right? What did this all mean? Did the kids or their parents need to go into hiding? Why was Mr. Stark the one relaying the information and not your usual boss at the Marshal Service?

“And how is this a concern to us?” Agent Iyer spoke up, resting his chin into his hand. Mr. Stark seemed to light up and leaned forward and popped one of the peanuts into his mouth.

“That’s the thing. He moved three miles away in half a second. Speedy got super speed.” You snapped your attention to the TV screen in astonishment.

“So you found a hero, is that it?” Agent Tareen said, looking almost bored at this briefing.

“No, it gets worse.” Mr. Stark said and clicked on his phone again. He swiped his finger across it and pictures of lab data swirled across the screen.

“S.H.I.E.L.D. did some initial testing on him at the site and apparently he isn’t from our reality. He’s from a different form of Earth. Says his name is ‘Peter Maximoff’ and he’s a member of something called the “X-Men”.” Stark said using air quotations on the word.

“A Maximoff with superspeed. No shit.” You echoed and fell back in your chair. Suddenly feeling like you couldn’t breathe. Mr. Stark grinned with his mouth full and then clicked on his phone again. A side by side of Pietro Maximoff and this Peter Maximoff appeared and you raised an eyebrow. They didn’t look anything alike except for maybe the blonde hair.

“So here’s the thing, Mace doesn’t actually know about any of this. The only people that know about this are me, you three, and a team of doctors. S.H.I.E.L.D doesn’t,” he paused and put a hand to his chest. “Pardon my French, know shit and they didn’t do any tests. I did.”

You glanced nervously at Agent Tareen and Agent Iyer. You didn’t want to be involved in any schemes with Mr. Stark. Especially not after the Sokovia accords and the “Civil War”.

Mr. Stark watched as the three of you looked unamused and apprehensive. He sighed and sat at the head of the table, wheeling his chair in close. “Listen, I don't even know if Director Mace is actually in charge. I don’t know where Director Colson is. I don’t know if S.H.I.E.L.D is going to fall to Hydra again. I don’t know if someone’s going to come looking for this Peter guy and be more powerful than anyone we’ve ever seen. I don’t know who to trust here. And to be honest I don’t want anyone experimenting on someone from a different reality. This is the kind of thing we weren’t even aware existed until now. We don’t know what will happen. So for the time being, I’d like you to keep this man safe somewhere that isn’t a jail cell or an experiment lab.” Mr. Stark wheeled his chair closer and turned to look at you now.

“I understand your line of work is keeping superheroes safe and away from super villains or otherwise threats.” He said, raising his eyebrows. “So until we understand more about the multiverse or whatever, keep him safe and hidden”

And with that Mr. Stark wheeled far enough away from the table to stand, tapped on his phone again, and left the two pictures of Peter and Pietro staring at you three. He gave you one last look and left the room with the pictures staring at you.

The briefing room was dead silent before Agent. Iyer put his head in his hands.

“Fuck.” He said and you and Agent Tareen cracked a smile.

Fuck indeed.

“Someone’s gotta tell Ms. Wanda Maximoff,” Agent Tareen spoke up, biting her bottom lip. Agent Iyer nodded and miserably raised his head. He brought his hand up to rub at his forehead. You leaned back in your chair and sighed.

“I know that’s probably the best thing to do. But this is not her twin brother. This is a random person who happens to share her last name and brother's super power. Do you all think that hunting her down and telling her this would honestly be a good idea? To give her such intense false hope before she sees a stranger who has her brother’s name and powers? You don’t think that would be an insult to her twin and only family member since she was a kid?” You ended your statement by gesturing to the TV displaying the pictures of Peter Maximoff and Pietro Maximoff. Agent Iyer sighed as you did so.

You had made your point.

“So we keep it from her? Is that what we’re honestly planning on doing?” Agent Tareen sneered leaning forward in her chair. Her beige hijab shifting around her shoulders at her sudden movement. You turned your gaze to your friend and sighed.

“No I’m not saying we never tell her. When she comes out of hiding, yes I think we should. But now, when we haven’t even met him? That is not a good time.” You stared at Agent Tareen with pleading eyes. You were technically their boss, but the three of you were a team and you did not want to make a decision without all of you on board.

Agent Tareen sighed and looked away from you.

“Fine. But you will be the one to tell her.”

You nodded at that. That seemed perfectly fair.

You all adjusted your chairs to look at the screen. There was a file folder on the briefing table and you reached for it. You raised an eyebrow as you skimmed the pages.

“Apparently Peter Maximoff is in the building.” You muttered looking up to your team. Iyer raised an eyebrow while Tareen suppressed a smirk. You glanced between the two of them before the three of you burst out of the conference room.

“Where is he?” Iyer said, tucking a long black strand of hair behind his ear. You hastily opened the file.

“He’s in the west wing. Room W17.” You said closing and hugging the file to your chest. Tareen nodded and took off speed walking in the proper direction. You shrugged at Iyer and took off after her.

It wasn’t long before you three skidded to a stop. To your surprise it was a very large room without any windows. The only way to see the man was to go in. Tareen took a step back and put her hand out to stop Iyer.

“Well boss, warm him up for us. Don’t want to freak him out with an immediate power imbalance.” She said smartly, giving you a mock salute. You handed Iyer the file, repressed the urge to huff like a child, and turned to the door again.

You took a deep breath, showed your clearance to the door, and opened it.

Well. This wasn’t what you were expecting. Not even a little.

Mr. Maximoff was lounging back on a bean bag with a Nintendo Switch in his hands. He didn’t even glance up at you as he blindly reached down to his side and brought a Coke up to slurp through the straw.

You looked at him awkwardly for a minute or two before he finally glanced up.

“Agent Y/N Y/L/N. Gotta be honest, didn't expect a U.S. Marshal. I don’t even know what that is. You in the military? Cause I don’t really like em, sorry.” He said, cocking his head to the side.

You blinked a few times and looked at him helplessly.

“Um, what?” You floundered before it clicked that Mr. Stark must have told him you were coming. You cleared your throat and crossed your arms.

“Yes I am from the Marshal Service. As Mr. Stark must have said. My name is Agent Y/L/N. I am in charge of the H.O.M.E. sector of S.H.I.E.L.D.” He cut you off by suddenly leaning against the door behind you. You whipped around and stared at him. Eyes wide, not expecting a display of his power so soon.

“Nah I read your ID and then went through your wallet. Twenty bucks is kinda embarrassing. What does H.O.M.E. stand for?” He said leaning into your personal space. You narrowed your eyes as his nose was only an inch away from yours. You were friends with Agent Tareen for fuckssake, you could handle a game of chicken.

You tilted your chin up and looked him in the eyes. They were a deep brown that seemed almost black. It didn’t add to his slightly creepy atmosphere and like he could read your thoughts, his mouth twitched in a smile before he leaned back against the door.

“The Heroes Obscure Maneuver Extension.” You recited making Maximoff furrow his eyebrows. He crossed his arms and stared at you with an incredulous expression.

“That barely makes sense-.” You cut him off with a wave of your hand.

“This doesn’t matter. Mr. Maximoff-,” this time it was his turn to cut you off. He turned his head lazily to the side and frowned slightly.

“Call me Peter.” You stared briefly at the pronounced tendons in his neck before realising what was happening and taking a step back.

“Mr. Maximoff,” you stressed, staring at him intently. He blew some air out of his mouth in a childish horse impression. “It is my understanding you come from a different Earth. I regret to inform you that our faction of government isn’t exactly the most secure at the moment. If anyone finds out where you come from there will be an uproar, and you will be in danger. Mr. Stark has trusted my team to keep you safe until we understand more about the Multiverse to send you home.” You recited thinking back to the first sentence of his file. Objective: Get Maximoff home.

He seemed to ponder this before you blinked and he was missing from in front of you. You sighed and spun around trying to find him in the larger room. The white lights seemed too bright as the only thing really in this room was you two, and the stupid beanbag. You squint your eyes to see him holding the file that you had previously trusted to Agent Iyer.

He sat on the floor comfortably and thumbed through it. Humming every once in a while. You decided to sit down too. Just letting him read the file. It didn’t hold any groundbreaking information, just his blood work and the basic data Mr. Stark and his doctors knew about him.

You stretched out your legs and leaned against the wall maybe five feet from where he was sitting. After he finished looking at the entire thing he placed it down and then appeared sitting next to you. You were starting to get used to the way he could move faster than you could realise. You suppressed a smile.

You turned your head to you right to see him sitting with his knees drawn up.

“Alright Agent Y/L/N, whatever you gotta do. I gotta be honest this version of Earth ain’t so bad. You got cool games,” he gestured to the abandoned Switch next to the bean bag. “I’ll stick around for a while.”

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding and smiled warmly at him. He seemed slightly taken aback.

“Hey don’t go all soft on me, I’m just here for the free house you’re gonna give me. My parents' basement kinda blows.” You raised your eyebrows at him and let out a little laugh.

“You’re lucky I don’t send you to a tiny apartment. Sonic all contained in a cage.” You mused and pushed off the floor to stand. He wrinkled his nose and looked up.

“Don’t quote Sega to me. They ripped off my power. Was a whole lawsuit in my reality.” He explained, his eyebrows raised and a mock serious expression in his face. You arched an eyebrow as he grinned. You didn’t believe him for a second. You glanced at the door again and gestured to the file.

“You wanna meet my team now? We have a lot of work to do.” You asked, making him purse his lips.

“If that’s what the boss lady says.” He shrugged, and he popped up to stand next to you, the file clutched in his hand. You narrowed your eyes at him in a mocking glare and smoothed down your pants.

You gestured to the door and he strolled forward happily. Iyer and Tareen’s heads snapped up as you both exited the room.

“Maximoff, this is Agent Iyer and Agent Tareen, please don’t use your powers.” You said scrubbing your hand through your hair. Maximoff bobbed his head a few times, strikingly resembling a horse.

The four of you decided that leaving the compound was probably a bad idea. The only people in here were Avengers and a few others, S.H.I.E.L.D. had their own building. Hopefully no one would care if two women and two men walked around. You eyed Maximoff’s white sweater and grey sweatpants.

It’ll probably be fine. People actually lived here. Hopefully no one would notice.

“Uh hey do you happen to know where they put my stuff?” Your thoughts were interrupted when Maximoff leaned in close to your ear and whispered. Your eyes widened and you turned your head quickly to stare at him. Agents Iyer and Tereen walked slightly ahead of you. Their own voices quiet as you four strolled through the building.

“Yeah, we can stop by. They’re probably with Agent Haib, she’s a sucker for free shit.” You murmured, leaning closer for Maximoff to hear you.

“Mhm and we’re is she?” He asked tapping a finger to his mouth. You paused for a moment to think.

“Second floor east wing.”

He groaned and in a second was standing next to you with his headphones on his silver jacket and goggles.

You narrowed your eyes at him. “I told you not to use your powers,” he grinned cheekily and popped the collar. “That’s the one rule, jackass.” He winked at you and tugged the headphones on cutting you off.

You rolled your eyes and crossed your arms. This was going to be a long, long day.

✨ you already know ✨