Ex Best Friend - Blog Posts

To my (stil don't know) best friend or ex best friend.

I need to know what's going on with me. What are the things that go through your head when you name me? How many times did my name appear between your lips in conversations in which I am not present? You love me? You hate me? You miss how we were before, do you want to go back to that? Because I didn't stop thinking about us and it takes me more and more breath to feel good about you.

I loved you so much for so long that if this is the end you would go through life with your soul and a piece of mine. I want our stars to become alienated again and if it's not possible, I want you to do as much force as you can to move them despite gravity and find us again. I miss seeing us coincide.

What happened to us? What happened to me? What happened to you?

My fire is getting tired to give so much wood to our fireplace, Where is your wood? Did you bother to go find it or did you spend your clothes looking for firewood for someone else? Did you only stay with me for the materials I was able to offer? I don't care about the rest of your builds, but don't abandon me.

The one thing that scratch my heart the most is that I don't know what happens. Are these your attempts to have a planet come between our stars so you can distance yourself as you please? Have I been bad company? Did something happen in your life where I couldn't help you? I need to know so I could be there as I should have been from the beginning, I don't want there to be stones in our way.

It tears me to think that if I truly loved myself I wouldn't be giving you as much as I give you. Because it doesn't even seem like you want to fix things with me. And if everything is fine and things are as before, why do I no longer feel that your affection warms me? Is it because they are lies or is there something else that is turning you off? I want to fix ourselves.

Talk to me, I can't keep the fire going in such a big fireplace by myself.

I can't stop noticing all the mistakes that we weren't able to improve in our past. Yours and mine. But I would give anything for you to hurt me again if we go back to what we did before. I miss seeing your bare feet in front of the blue sky.

I don't want things to be the same as before, I don't like mistakes, or that we hurt each other. But it seems that you don't even have the will to speak and I'm sick of pulling the string of your truth every time to know about you. It's going to be 10 years of construction for a great fireplace and a great road, please don't tell me I was with the wrong engineer.

Sorry if something doesn't makes sense, English it's not my first language and I just wanna vent in a place where nobody knows me in real life.

I'm sorry if you ever felt something like that, you didn't deserve it.

It's late but I'm having thoughts TM

I hope you're happy

I hope you found peace without me

I wish it didn't end with a read message and no goodbye. Because gods sometimes it hurts so much and I want to reach out but I know it's for the best.

I realized I was probably in love with you

and I think you might've been too.

we'll never know though, isn't that sad?

My ex best friend literally thought it was “cute” that her boyfriend got jealous when she talked to her guy friends, and when she first told me that, I immediately told her that was a red flag. Well guess why they broke up? Because of his jealousy. And then they decided to get back together three days later even though he was moving away in a month and they wouldn’t be trying long distance. Her whole identity and self-confidence hinged on that relationship and I honestly found it all so pathetic.

This is why I don’t trust straight relationships.

Why I Can’t Bring Myself to Tell My Friends I Love Them

I used to tell my friends that I loved them all the time. If I saw them doing something I thought was cute, or if they made an awesome joke, or if they tried their hardest on something, or when I would get the occasional rush of gratitude for them, I would tell them. Love was meant to be expressed when they were still there to receive it, and love was meant for everyone. I wanted everyone to know that love was meant to be given liberally.

Back when my ex best friend cared about me, she was so supportive. She would tell me that there was good in the world and there were things to be living for, and she would always be so happy and in love with life. She was a small person, with a round face and the warmest hugs, and she would tell me that I was worth it. That I was worth loving, that I was amazing, that I made her life better. My second new best friend does that too. She does all of that. They’re different people, but in terms of what they provide me they’re nearly the same, and in terms of appearance, they look similar. And that scares me because there’s a reason my ex best friend is no longer my friend, and to see the same feelings start for someone similar is terrifying.

When I finally acknowledged my first best friend after moving on from the last one, I noticed she was giving me everything my ex best friend couldn’t, but I was resigned to the idea that she wasn’t as verbally or physically affectionate. I still love that best friend, but those are my love languages, and I don’t usually get them from other people. And then my second best friend came into my life and gave me exactly what I wanted and needed that was missing from my first best friend. But now there’s a problem. Because my first best friend isn’t very verbally affectionate, she probably wouldn’t like it if I told her I love her, and even if she did, I would be opening up to her too much and that might push her away. My second best friend would absolutely love it if I told her I loved her, but I’m too worried that I’ll put all my energy into that friendship only to slowly realise that I’m not getting anything back.

I want to love them. I do love them. And I always thought it was a cliché motivation when a character was like “I’ve been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again”, but that is exactly how I feel and I couldn’t even trust my second best friend when she told me that she would always care about me because that’s what I told my ex best friend and now I hate her with a burning passion. I hate songs like “Night Changes” or “The One That Got Away” because they remind me that something you think will be infinite could end within a moment, and I hate reading fanfics where characters end up far away from each other with no possible way of regaining the relationship they had before and/or in canon because that’s the truth of life. People will come and go and you can’t do anything about it. Love is never going to be enough if it’s only going one way. Life isn’t a show where everything comes full circle; there are going to be loose ends and regrets and there will be no consolation or closure and everyone leaves eventually no matter how much you or they care. I love my best friends now but if I admit it to them then it solidifies the idea that there’s something to lose, and I can’t stand that. I don’t want to be hurt again. Despite how genuine my best friends may be right now, there will be a day where they don’t care. I don’t want to reach that day. I don’t want it to continue to that point. I don’t want to tell them I love them.

My ex best friend gave me a blanket for Christmas, back when we were still friends. The other day my mom asked if I was going to keep it and I was like, well, it’s a blanket, so yes. She asked why I would keep something from someone I hate, and I responded that it’s still useful no matter who gave it to me. She took a sip of her water and said to me while looking out the window, “That’s what is called having no morals.”

I know I said “good 4 u” was at my ex best friend, but I don’t really associate it with her, because my little brother introduced me to it in the same hour that I started reading Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo and I always think of Kaz and Inej because of it. Good times.

“good 4 u” by Olivia Rodrigo but platonically, because I’m still mad at my ex-best friend.

😓

when I realize it’s taken me 7 YEARS to even BEGIN to understand how much k fucked with my brain.

vent ig

Sometimes I’m suddenly reminded of k (my ex best friend) and I feel the most indescribable sense of dread as if my entire soul has been sucked from my body and only start to work again when someone I like talks to me. (Chat, if I ever post vent posts, which I plan to, most will be abt k)

I miss that evil ass dyke so much

Worst of all is, that I truly and deeply believed her, when she Said she loved me more than anything

like fuuuck you.