Antisocial Personality Disorder - Blog Posts

And I manage to be all three at once—The only scale I accept. 👍

Shallan, Adolin, Kaladin

hey guys, ive been trying to look for information on NPD and ASPD comorbidity but the only things i can find online are ableist "narc abuse" articles LMFAO...

i am questioning if i may have comorbid NPD and ASPD, but im not entirely sure how this comorbidity might look... so i figured id ask and see if anyone with the comorbidity could explain

This will probably cause some hate, but:

You aren't always the victim just because you are mentally ill.

You try to get better? I am proud of you, keep going, i don't adress you here because people who actively try to get better for the people around them are trying, and you can be proud at yourself for that.

But people who just say "i'm sorry its the mental illness!" and expect their friends/partners/familymembers to forgive them aren't.

It is okay to say "Hey, i'm really sorry, i didn't meant to at all. I wasn't myself." Because it often actually is the reason for our behaviour. But to say that, you HAVE to actually try and get better in my eyes.

I do NOT demonise mental illnesses.

But I am aware of what damage it can cause, and that there is no way around but pointing things out.

I did mistakes before, and I also needed time to realise that it was quite often actually my fault, that i need to work on myself to get better and i just know some of you are triggered at this point.

But sometimes that is needed to understand yourself. To understand your mistakes.

It is not okay to say "it's not my fault! I'm mentally ill! I can't help it!"

I know its easier to say that, but, if you continue to do that you are not only (accidently) hurting others but also yourself.

Also, it is not fair that there are healthy people saying "they all are the same." Because we're not.

Every one of us, no matter wich mental illness, is different.

Every one of us deserve a chance just like every other human.

Let me point out again: Its not your fault for being mentally ill and/or traumatised, but it is indeed your responsibility.

A little reminder: there are many healthy people who also hurt their partners, sometimes fully aware of their actions.

You are not your diagnose. (Greetings to my therapist.)

LASTLY: a mental illness doesn't mean your love is bad! You can love, you deserve love, you are still a good person.

That's it, take care of yourself <3

I felt the need to write this down since i am sick of people judging others because of their disorder, also I am sick of people who use their disorder as a sort of excuse.

i fucking hate the boredom aspect of ASPD

it makes me super irritable and stressed too. i’m so wound up i just need to take it out somewhere. and snapping at someone and getting into an argument is something to do.

“why’d you punch him?” i was bored.

“where were you?” outside, wandering. i was bored

“why’d you steal.” i was bored.

nearly everything i do is because im so bored. i feel so trapped in my home.

being friends with other people who have personality disorders >>>

being able to understand each other’s paranoia

being able to understand each other’s world view

just being able to talk freely about your experiences without fear of judgement

Imagine the time I was six. I spent half an hour constructing my perfect fortress out of wooden blocks, carefully placing each piece. Every detail mattered, this wasn’t just playing, this was creating something. I looked at it, proud, knowing it was my work, my effort.

Then, some little shit walks by. I watch as his eyes narrow, and for a moment, he considers the easiest way to destroy what I’d just built. With one careless motion, he topples everything, scattering the blocks like they were nothing.

I don’t cry. I don’t scream for help. Instead, I get up, walk over, and grab him by the shoulder. A hard shove, and then I make sure he knows exactly what he’s done. He’s on the ground before he can even process it, his face swelling where I hit it. I don’t care about the blood or the broken tooth. All I care about is the fact that he destroyed something I created for no reason other than his amusement.

The teacher drags me away, gasping: "Look what you did! It’s just blocks, he’s a person!".

But it wasn’t just blocks. It was my time, my effort, and he threw it all away like it meant nothing. And he’s a person? Fine. So am I. And in that moment, his face wasn’t worth respecting.

Looking back at it as an adult, sure, maybe it was an overreaction. Maybe I was too harsh. But that moment wasn’t about rationality. It was about the principle of it. Yeah, I could’ve handled it differently. But I was a kid. That’s what kids do.. act on impulse.

No one cared about the fact that someone else’s selfish act destroyed what I valued. My retaliation was branded as aggression, while his provocation was dismissed as childish mischief. No one asked why I struck back. No one acknowledged that he’d destroyed something I built simply because he wanted to. I was the one who got punished.

At that time, the teacher’s failure was a clear lesson in injustice, that authority will side with the visible victim over the invisible violation, and proof that fairness is conditional, since his pain was 'real', while mine was 'just toys'.

I don't get emotionally attached to people. I don't ever need that. I recently told someone this, and instead of taking it at face value, they asked if I still felt something for them. As if they were the exception, as if a relationship without emotional involvement is impossible. They seem to think their so-called "special" love can fix me, as if I'm broken. It's laughable. I'm not in need of fixing, and I don't crave any dependency or emotional attachment. If you think you’re special enough to change that, you're wasting your time.

I don’t get why I should care about someone's feelings when mine are rarely considered.

Relationships are exhausting. The effort, the expectations, the unspoken rules I never fully understand or care to follow. It’s either too much or never enough. People say they want honesty, but they flinch when I give it to them. They say they value independence, but resent it when I don’t need them.

I never chose this mind, this way of being, but if I could strip it all away, would there be anything left of me?

I just realized I’ve never actually experienced peer pressure. Like, people really do things just because others expect them to? They change their opinions, follow trends, or do shit they don’t even want to do just to fit in? That’s so weird to me. If I don’t want to do something, I just... don’t. The idea of someone guilting or pressuring me into something is almost funny.

Sometimes I think I’d be a great actor because I’m already used to pretending and adapting to whatever people expect. But at the same time, having to do it constantly, on command, and according to someone else’s script? Sounds draining. And what if I don’t even get the roles I want? That's even worse. Pretending is easy when it benefits me, but following orders just for the sake of it? No, thanks.

ASPD: The Desire for and Run from Intimacy

This post will only contain my personal opinion and experience. It may not be applicable to all other people with ASPD and may likewise be relatable to people who do not have it.

I am only going to be talking about emotional intimacy, but this post is definitely also applicable to the other type of intimacy!

I'll make myself pretty vulnerable in this post, by discussing my personal experience, so you better not make me regret that!

Abbreviations:

ASPD = Antisocial Personality Disorder

ASPD is a disability caused by prolonged childhood trauma (with many possible variations), that develops in order to protect the brain from said trauma, or rather to help the brain deal with it in some way!

While the consequences of this in the context of intimacy, look different for every person with ASPD, many do report: a difficulty with developing bonds, having problems trusting people & giving away control, losing feelings for people quickly and abruptly/getting "bored" of people, responding extremely to arguments, having problems dealing with peoples emotions/ problems with being close to people etc.

This may be due to a variety of factors, but does often tie back to having no or few positive experiences with intimacy, having not learned how to exist in relationships properly/a lack of being socialized, not having the necessary prosocial emotions and mechanisms to deal with it and other similar things.

While this causes some people with ASPD to develop a brain, that does not have a need for emotional intimacy at all, others develop a brain, that craves the emotional intimacy it has been denied, but which will also fight said intimacy at every turn.

Thats as much generalized info as I can give you, as the exact representation of this is highly individual, but I will offer my personal experience on the following slides!

What you need to know is that I was accidentally neglected for huge parts of my childhood and teens and did not get my emotional and social needs met most of the time, while also knowing that my parents were theoretically capable of that, as they were giving everything I lacked to my sibling.

This caused me to grow up with a burning desire for intimacy, while being disappointed by people time and time again, failing to actually develop the things needed to experience this intimacy and partially growing to resent it and viewing it as "weak" and "bad".

Ever since then I have been stuck in what I like to call the "ASPD stages of running". Theres different points in getting close to people (in any nature of a relationship), that'll send me running and feeling like I am "weak" for wanting it, or as if being close to people is the worst thing that could happen.

The stages (simply put) are:

1. Desiring/Daydreaming about my dream relationship

2. Looking at peoples relationships/Looking at people with the intent of getting closer to them

3. Talking to people (online or irl)

4. Getting closer / being friends with people

5. Being friends with people for longer

Optionally:

6. Getting so close that a romantic relationship may happen

7. The moment of getting in the relationship / the days after

8. Being in the relationship for a bit

At any of those stages, I'll very likely have one or multiple moments where my ASPD will try to get the better of me and will try to convince me to just run away, drop contact and never talk about it again. Even just admitting to this and talking about it is hard as fuck, because it is so deeply ingrained in my brain to see emotional intimacy as a weak and dangerous thing.

What this will look like exactly really depends on the person and situation, but things that have happened in the past were:

• blocking the person and everyone I am friends with and pretending I am no longer alive

• my brain fixating on their faults in order to give me a good reason to hate them so I don't get closer to them and can hold them at arms length

• responding less often/more dryly or ignoring messages entirely

• not replicating the energy of the conversation/relationship

• staging an incident so I ruin the relationship

• running at the first signs of a disagreement

• avoiding people when they are emotional

• feeling uncomfortable around people as a whole => isolating

• beating myself up about letting it happen again

• impulsively bumping the relationship to another stage, just to immediately regret it (in a "fuck that has consequences" way)

• shutting off all my emotions, dissociate or otherwise make sure to stop the feelings (or just lose them automatically)

To put it in a shorter and more simple way, I'll usually either get the fuck outta there, or make sure to change the relationship/my personal position in the relationship to a more comfortable and less vulnerable and intimate level. This may also just look like me shutting off, becoming distant, or seeming mad, when all I am is overwhelmed by the intimacy and grossed out that I actually need and desire that.

As you can possibly imagine, that is not the most useful thing, as it causes issues in relationships, cuts friendships short and makes dealing with people a lot harder!

The most frustrating thing about this for me though is, that even if the most perfect friend or partner came along and even if the relationship would work at first, I am very very likely to crash it against the wall, simply because my brain cannot handle having the things, that it needs and desires.

It desires a hug and runs from the one who offers it.

It needs help and bites the hand that does.

It needs love and gets grossed out by whoever offers it.

It wants attention and can't handle it when it gets it.

It wants gifts, but doesnt know what to do when it gets them.

Whatever it wants, it can't have, so it keeps wanting, keeps yearning, keeps desiring and has to watch itself be unable to accept any of it.

And if that sounds painful, thats because it is.

Its a vicious kind of pain when you have to watch yourself ruin yet another thing, because your brain can't handle it, while you scream at it in frustration to get its act together, because it also is everything you desperately need.

ASPD sucks when it comes to intimacy and it especially sucks when it comes to talking about it, or being honest about these problems. It developed to protect me from being too "weak" to deal with the trauma and now its practically preventing me from showing any "weakness" or seeking out what previously hurt me. Which wouldn't be this bad, if I didn't still have this kid in me that just wants to be loved and daydreams about all the things, the ASPD hates.

When your shell disagrees with your core and you're not strong enough yet to break your shell, what does that really leave you with, other than curling up into a spiky ball and letting the shell do its job? I know I still need the protection, but I wish it wasn't actively preventing me from learning to live without it.

First posted on my instagram (same @)

People always disappoint me the moment they seem to finally understand me. Maybe for a second, I think they get it, but they never really do. And that’s fine. I don’t want them too close anyway. I don’t fear abandonment, if anything, I’m always the first to cut people off when they become useless, irritating, or start thinking they have some kind of hold on me. Every time, it just proves what I already know: being alone is better. No expectations, no attachments, no one slowing me down. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s a mistake. But it’s the only thing that seems to work for me.

You’re not a mental health advocate if you don’t support people with ASPD or kids with conduct disorder that happen to violate the rights of others including animals.

These people need support, too. They need treatment, and they need resources to combat any violent symptom that may manifest.

They are likelier to face violent police brutality when being incarcerated. They are likelier to have their civil liberties violated. They are likelier to end up in the system and prone to recidivism because our legal system is based on punishment and not rehabilitation. They are likelier to be murdered and abused by both the legal system and by family members and friends.

They also do not need to be excused from their actions. Both of these statements coexist with each other.

This doesn’t imply to support bad behavior. Everyone should be held accountable for their actions, especially those that endanger the lives and liberties of other people and animals alike, but that doesn’t mean they’re not deserving of rehabilitation or resources to help them not offend and to help them stop offending.

A kid with unchecked and untreated conduct disorder and even an adult with unchecked and untreated ASPD with violent symptoms and a lack of regard for the rights of others are some of the most vulnerable people in society. Think about them in your mental health advocation, but also don’t support bad behavior.

Having compassion for people with stigmatized disorders and advocating for their rehabilitation ≠ excusing their actions. You can have compassion for people with sadistic behavioral symptoms that are in the criteria for conduct disorder and ASPD without being an apologist. Check your ableism towards antisocial adults and children.

ASPD and conduct disorder are not “evil disorders.” Those behavioral symptoms did not come from no where, but from trauma and environment, and they need help the most from a licensed professional but unfortunately, resources are scarce for those living with conduct disorder and ASPD because we are seen as criminal deviants by neurotypicals and neurodiverse people alike.

I hate this constant feeling of emptiness and boredom, so I mess with people’s emotions just to get some kind of reaction. Starting arguments or pushing buttons doesn’t bother me because at least it gives me something to feel. If people end up blocking me, I get it, but honestly, they’re just too sensitive. I’m not trying to hurt anyone, but I’m not going to apologize for stirring things up either. Sometimes I probably take things too far, but they’re the ones overreacting. It’s entertaining to me, and if they can’t handle it, that’s on them. Sure, there are healthier ways to deal with this boredom, but this one’s just the easiest and most entertaining way, in my opinion.

taspdfw you had conduct disorder as a kid and you were physically punished, emotionally punished, grounded, etc but nothing clicked and you just kept doing the same shit. and your parents wonder why you want nothing to do with them.

Not so friendly reminder that people who demonise antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic people, personality disorders, psychopaths, sociopaths, people with DID, people who are clinically insane/psychotic, people with schizophrenia, etc, can fuck right off and are not welcome here. No disorder makes you an inherently evil person, and the people you're demonising are human beings who deserve basic human treatment.

Not only that, friendly reminder those people are welcome here, and this is a safe space for disorders considered "scary" and "dangerous" bc y'all are fucking human beings.