Nazusuki - ๋࣭. Rey ♡

While the source material clearly intends Xue Yang to be read as an orphan (perhaps orphaned so young he has no memory of his parents), I think it’s underexplored in fandom that he never ACTUALLY SAYS that his parents DIED, but rather that he was a child without parents. 

“He had neither dad nor mom nor money” (via the official english translation)

I think there’s something in here worth exploring about the possibility that Xue Yang was abandoned by his parents. 

Perhaps he remembers one or both of them and/or the event, perhaps he does not but just has a sense of it having happened, perhaps he has no memories of it at all but it still psychologically impacted his development. 

Just about every character in the story can be better understood by looking at how they were raised, and Xue Yang is CERTAINLY not an exception. 

There are myriad ways to interpret his childhood (though none of them stable, safe, or cared for), but I have been thinking a LOT lately about how being abandoned by his parents could have shaped him into who he later became.

His behavior in the Villainous Friends extra (wherein he, seemingly arbitrarily, breaks things and antagonizes people and then specifically challenges Jin Guangyao about paying for damages) COULD be interpreted as acting out in a way that’s common for children and teens with a history of abandonment who are testing the waters of just how much their new guardian/s will tolerate. This sort of behavior can be a self fulfilling prophesy as well as an attempt to prove to themselves that their expectations of rejection or punishment are correct.

If Xue Yang has only ever known the world to be a painful place where people reject and abandon him, then that’s how he expects the world to continue behaving. If suddenly someone defies this expectation, it is simultaneously a fascinating and wondrous thing, and also a threat to his worldview. After all, if THIS person can be kind and care for him, then why didn’t anyone else?

If JGY, who at this point is essentially just his handler, can be unconditionally patient with him… then why couldn’t others have been patient with him over much less? And why couldn’t his own parents, who had considerably higher responsibility to him, be as patient as JGY?

It’s much easier to push and push and push until you break the patience and prove your cynicism correct, than it is to grapple with those painful questions. And after all, Jin Guangyao had an exterior force (Jin Guangshan) requiring him to show patience. And once that force was removed, so was Xue Yang. This, perhaps, felt as much like validation as it did betrayal.

There might be a parallel to be made here, too, about how JGY was and felt betrayed/abandoned by his father. This in common might be something that they bonded over.

And of course, as always, there’s Yi City.

Xue Yang expects Xiao Xingchen to abandon him, and his elaborate “revenge” was at least in part in preparation for that anticipated betrayal. He “knows” he will be betrayed and, perhaps unlike what happened with Jin Guangyao, he intends to be ready for it this time. Ready to punish Xiao Xingchen the MOMENT it happens, or ready to convince him not to betray him after all (what is “We’re not so different, I’m not uniquely evil, you’re ending our life together because you think you’re better than me but look! Look! You and I are the same now” if not a deeply misguided and utterly desperate plea?).

At some point he starts hoping it just won’t happen, and stops needing the “revenge” plot. When it starts unraveling before him, he tries for understanding first. What is “Hear my story, THEN decide–” if not begging to be understood?

Of course it doesn’t work.

Xiao Xingchen doesn’t even kill Xue Yang, either; he goes Away. Goes where Xue Yang can’t. If Xue Yang is read as having this particular trigger, Xiao Xingchen’s suicide may feel like abandonment all over again.

Perhaps Xiao Xingchen NOT killing Xue Yang becomes a parallel to Xue Yang’s parents abandoning him to suffer alone instead of keeping him or killing him. Or else maybe Xue Yang’s mother DID try to kill him (drown him or left him out in the cold) and he just managed to survive, in which case Xiao Xingchen NOT trying to kill Xue Yang puts him a cut above even Xue Yang’s own mother/parents.

Final thought:

While I find Xue Yang’s lack of familial connection to the rest of the cast compelling, I also find “what if” scenarios fascinating to explore, and “Xue Yang was abandoned by parents who might still be around during the story” does create some fascinating opportunities for fic.

Such as:

What if Xue Yang was yet another illegitimate son of Jin Guangshan? What if he knew but Jin Guangyao didn’t? What if Jin Guangyao knew but Xue Yang didn’t? What if Jin Guangshan himself knew? That would really put the insistent protections into a very weird light (is there a heart in there? Or did he think he could string Xue Yang along like he did Jin Guangyao? Or was Xue Yang blackmailing him?)

OR

What if Xue Yang was the illegitimate son of Chang Cian? It certainly puts a spin on that entire scenario. Little Xue Yang has another reason to want to please this man, and a further reason to feel betrayed by the abuse. Chang Cian not even recognizing him. Xue Yang taking revenge on the entire family because they ALL wronged him in a way he can’t articulate. Because they got to live the life he could have if he’d been wanted.

Certainly none of this is canon, but it’s not TERRIBLY far beyond the bounds of canon either, and makes for some juicy food for fic.

I just know it in my heart ok

guys calm down, this is what actually happens in mizu5

Okay?

Soft age-up terumob

Big Shigeo my beloved 🤲

“you, you’re supposed to change”

(pearlrose, healing, & body positivity)

the angst in pearlrose is deep & meaningful, but the purely comforting parts have impacted me, too. as i wrote this, i realized how much my perception has been shaped by my own experiences. i relate to all of this in some way, and that’s what comfort characters do, really.

unsafe versus safe environment symbolism

(sensitive subject matter, abuse mentions)

pink diamond hates being a diamond. she’s forcing herself to be someone she isn’t, which is exhausting and uncomfortable. she’s smaller than the other diamonds & they literally look down on her. of course, she’s beautiful, but pink is forcing herself to fit into the expectations of what a diamond should be, even though it causes her pain. she doesn’t smile easily; she feels powerless & weak. as pink, she’s unhealthy, being in constant fight-or-flight & facing unimaginable punishments such as being kept away from light, isolated. deprived of anything that might help her live or bring her comfort. she’s repressed & her her “home” at the time is horrific.

initially she shifts to a quartz so she can fit into another group for a day. a lot changes from there.

rose is finally in a safe environment for the first time in her life. as time goes on, she realizes that rose is her true self. an important part of the rebellion is that she wants gems to understand that their life is their own and they don’t need to fit into homeworld’s society. they can be whoever they want to be, they’re perfect the way they are even if they don’t look or act as they’re expected to based on their gems. she doesn’t exactly fit in anywhere, she looks how she wants, she becomes aware of some unique powers, & she’s comfortable being just rose. once she’s able to escape from her abusers and never needs to return to that environment again, she permanently reforms as rose.

she’s shorter than she was as pink diamond, but it doesn’t scare her. in fact, she doesn’t feel smaller; she feels bigger, literally & figuratively. she was only small on homeworld because she was abused, made & forced to feel small & weak. now, she’s stronger, aware of her powers, & no one looks down on her—they often look up to her. this can be challenging: she struggles to trust herself & to be vulnerable (see eye-to-eye) with others. healing takes time & isn’t always perfect; leaving an unsafe environment brings trauma & it’s okay to need support and have ongoing issues. her body is also very different: her true self is naturally chubby. as time goes on and she adjusts to her new environment, experiences life on earth, & is more relaxed than ever, she wears what she wants, embraces her femininity & sensuality, and her belly is no longer flat. she lives with someone who gives her consistent protective care & intense romantic love—such a contrast to life on homeworld. being abused can exacerbate guilt & make one feel undeserving of something so new and different: genuine love. she’s loved anyway because she is, in fact, deserving of it even if she doesn’t think she is. pearl doesn’t stop when she needs to remind her that she’s important (“yes, you are”) every now & then. garnet, ruby, sapphire, & ame are safe people she has a unique bond with & loves living with. she feels more comfortable with her form than ever before.

i love the symbolism, especially in a society that often views putting on weight as solely negative, an indication that one is unhealthy & unhappy. rose is a reminder that it can be a sign of healing, and she’s far healthier, stronger, more comfortable as rose than she ever was as pink.

image description: the far left depicts rose quartz in her quartz outfit, a crop top & pants with her arms in the air and a smile on her face, the background being the kindergarten. the middle is of rose with the crystal gems, dressed as witches for halloween. the far right is of rose in her white dress in story for steven, looking at a cd, the background being the blue sky.

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“you weren’t built for fighting”

pearl’s body is different from the gems who are supposedly “built for fighting.” according to homeworld, pearls are made to to “stand there and look pretty.” they’re made to feel weak.

sword fighting is a passion of hers and she’s incredibly skilled. rose gives her a decision to stay & fight with her or opt out, and pearl argues that she wants to fight. from there, she never tries to change her body. she protects rose, and aside from the excessive self sacrificing issues i’ve brought up in the past, she has a very important line in do it for her. just think about the life you’ll have together after the war!

yes, she was putting rose’s life over her own. at the same time, she didn’t expect to die. she had hope in her goal to save both of them, and she was never intimidated by the fact that the gems she was fighting against were bigger than her, with body types that were supposedly “more capable” of doing something that she was passionate about. she proves them wrong, as she has a memory in which she protects someone who’s much bigger than her by fighting against a gem who’s also much bigger than her.

when she sings strong in the real way, it’s clear that pearl is not completely comfortable in her own skin yet, and much like what i said about rose, that’s okay. healing takes time, isn’t linear, and the way that the homeworld gems underestimated pearl for being a pearl understandably has an impact on her. still, as she slowly builds confidence, she teaches steven that there are other ways of being strong.

pearl focuses on what her body can already do & she uses all of her traits to her advantage instead of trying to change them. ballet comes naturally to her, so she has a pattern of fighting that involves ballet & quick, graceful movements that her opponent struggles to keep up with.

she also uses traits that are less about her physical abilities & more about who she is, such as her intelligence & attention to detail. she often outsmarts her opponent & can confidently say "you can’t beat me" because her main motivation as she learned to fight was to protect rose. her love for rose is so deep that she believes it's stronger than anything or anyone. it’s amazing how pearl uses her love & ballet movements—things that would be considered weak on the battlefield—to become a powerful, terrifying, & intimidating sword fighter.

people sometimes mock her nose, a feature all pearls have, & while it annoys her, she never tries to change it. it’s who she is, & she’s proud to be a pearl (that’s right! i am a pearl!)

pearl wears whatever she wants and doesn’t try to look intimidating or like a rebel—it doesn’t need a look, and she doesn’t need to fit stereotypes; it's just who she is. she loves legwarmers & skirts. occasionally & on other platforms i’ve seen fans make fun of her thin arms & legs. they miss a comforting message: she doesn’t cover anything. now, the thing i wrote about rose in the last section? i closely relate to it, and i always knew i did. i’m now realizing i relate to pearl in a way, too, even if it’s to a lesser extent. when i was a little girl i was smaller than my classmates & i’d be encouraged to hide my arms with long sleeves. i really wish i knew this character back then. she’s so pretty, so bold with a lovely sassy side, and she doesn’t change a thing. she doesn’t need to.

image description: pearl in the episode we need to talk, in a studio where greg makes his music video. one leg up and the other en pointe (standing at the tips of her toes). she has a smug smile on her face and her eyes are closed.

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a good partner

i love that my favorite ship is not only sapphic representation, but they both have underrepresented body types. they’re both flawed & traumatized and their relationship is complicated, but nevertheless they are entirely & deeply in love with each other.

“pearl is falling in love. pink, as rose, is intoxicating. she’s free somehow. they both are, when they are on earth.” — rebecca sugar, end of an era, page 77

i’ve written about this a lot, but pearl falls in love with her true self, the person she is when she’s happy & safe. she doesn’t have anything against how rose used to look, she just knows that person isn’t who she truly is. pink was unhappy, uncomfortable, repressed. the environment was unsafe for both of them & everything was so forced. pearl sympathizes with pink (i.e., crying when she fakes the shattering, telling steven & sapphire about how she really did everything she could as pink, just all around feeling sad for what she went through) but she adores her form as rose; seeing rose fills her with joy & warmth. rose isn’t fitting into any society & she’s no longer a diamond; she’s a rebel who’s still figuring everything out. she’s imperfect, she’s not forcing herself to fit into any homeworld expectations, & pearl’s met her true self & she falls in love.

a good partner will understand who you were in the past & they’ll care for & sympathize with that person, but they’ll be in love with the most genuine version of who you are. pink was a higher status gem as part of the great diamond authority, but that wasn’t her true self. that's why pearl loves just rose. pearl is also a reminder that a good partner won’t love you any less if you gain weight. if someone gains weight because they’re healing, happier, & aren’t forcing their body to look a certain way that doesn’t reflect who they truly are, a good partner will not only accept the weight gain but they will love it. while it may be tricky to grasp this symbolism because they’re gems, the point is this: rose being comfortable in her own form and true to herself is not just lovable but deeply attractive to pearl. the form that was the most beautiful, in pearl’s eyes, was the one that rose had when she was the happiest.

society can be a bit painful at times. sometimes, people feel like they can only be liked & loved if they’re thin and distinguished in some way, even if it’s inauthentic & they aren’t happy. but pearl fell in love with rose when she was no longer thin & no longer a diamond—and still figuring things out as a crystal gem leader, too.

they not only accept but adore each other just as they are. sketches & the fusion dance show pearl embracing their sensual relationship, teasing rose, & showing off their connection on camera. pearl does this confidently, by being herself.

they defy stereotypes beautifully. rose, who is larger, contrasts with pearl who is shorter & thin, but rose appears more shy in their flirtatious moments. she’s also more feminine and pearl tends to be more bold & she’s incredibly protective of rose. they remind us that you don’t need to be short & thin to be feminine & gentle, nor tall & big to be protective and bold. their genuine, beautiful, & sometimes, sensual chemistry goes against stereotypes and as i said before, they have underrepresented body types. a lot of characters in the past consist of the more masculine character being taller and bigger (but muscular, not fat) while the more feminine character is shorter and slender, yet has large breasts and some curves. really… how frustrating is that? pearl + rose are sapphic representation and they defy multiple stereotypes, not fitting into that very oddly specific box, and in my opinion they look incredible together.

lastly, remember the symbolism in rose’s section, where i talked about how abusers looked down on her & people on earth looked up to her?

in now we’re only falling apart, pearl literally lifts her up. encouraging, supporting, uplifting her.

this is rose’s first experience with love & pearl goes on to confess her feelings. they nearly fuse; something that’s done only between the same (“equal”) gems on homeworld. rose isn’t familiar with being loved & genuinely cared for. she’s scared, but pearl uplifts her before they connect. it’s representative of how intense her love is; how she’s the first to show her affection, the first to express love for her, and she’s encouraging and supportive, showing her love until her death.

image description: sketches by rebecca sugar. the left image depicts white diamond talking to pink with a mocking smile, pink looking very afraid. the right image depicts rose kissing pearl’s forehead. they both look comfortable & they’re smiling.

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healing your younger self

i wrote this when i was describing why rose is a comfort character for me:

“i loved princesses & fairytales as a child & [rose] gives me nostalgia with her healing powers & other princess traits. my four-year-old self watched princesses who did everything right, did no wrong, were loved by everyone. straight with one specific body type. i couldn’t quite relate to them, & of course i wanted to be a princess. but rose! she’s sapphic & chubby & she fights with her knight who uses she/her pronouns & she makes mistakes & has mental health issues & is disliked by some. i can’t even begin to explain how refreshing that is. she’s unique, realistic, relatable, different from the stereotypes, complicated, & just as beautiful (if not, more) as any princess that i loved growing up. her story with pearl has so many fairytale features & yet it’s so complex.”

pearl + rose's story has many fairytale elements, yet they embody qualities i felt i couldn’t have as a kid to be like the princesses i admired. princesses symbolized beauty to me, so i thought i had to fit into a very specific mold to be beautiful. pearl + rose, with their imperfections, underrepresented body types, sapphic love, trauma, etc. remind me of the fairytales I loved as a kid but are even more beautiful & interesting in my opinion. it’s really lovely & incredibly healing.

i wish i could go see four-year-old me and say that it’s okay to be yourself, you don’t need to change anything to be a princess!

image description: official artwork by elle michalka. pearl stands in front of rose with her sword as they meet garnet. the background is pink, like a sunset, with bushes of flowers.

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gems being gems can help with self esteem

for gems, everything moves quickly on earth. human beauty standards & ideals shift quickly and gems couldn’t possibly keep up with them. not that they would want to. instead, they focus on all the wonderful things about earth.

rose loves growth because it’s a symbol of how people are constantly changing and inventing who they are based on their experiences. it’s comforting to remember our favourite characters whenever we’re made to feel bad about our differences because of messed up beauty standards. for example, some parts of society act like putting on fat or getting stretch marks is always a negative thing, or it’s unattractive. rose wouldn’t feel that way. in fact, i wouldn’t be surprised if she loved getting her own stretch marks, i.e., when she was pregnant with steven. i’m in no doubt that pearl would love them on rose too, & she’s bright enough to understand exactly why they develop. “rose, i love it so… oh, you don’t know what it means? it means you’re growing. yes, you are! you must be happy after that long speech about how beautiful you think it is that humans are never the same and everything should grow. yes, i remembered. how could i not. you talk about it every. single. day.”

gems have a variety of body types. steven shapeshifted to be taller on his birthday, which hurt him. this symbolizes that everyone has different versions of what’s healthy. forcing yourself to look a certain way, even if it’s deemed “healthy” or “attractive,” can be unhealthy if it doesn’t suit your natural body type or involves a harmful process.

as magazines and celebrities became popular in beach city and thinness was the desired beauty standard, maybe once or twice, some absolute loser called rose fat, in a rude way. rose, being unaware of beauty standards, would have likely stared blankly and replied, "yes, i know i’m fat, are you okay? are you angry? but why? i’m confused, do you hate my pink hair, too?” later that day she’ll visit the bakery & feel guilty when she eats lots of blueberry pie… but only because she doesn’t want pearl to think she likes the pie from the bakery more than the homemade pie pearl makes for her. you deserve something from a good bakery too, and to be completely unfazed by any hypothetical jerk who dares to say anything cruel about your body.

you’re wonderful. yes, you.

image description: two sketches by rebecca sugar. on the left, pink is in gym clothes: a pink hoodie glancing over her shoulder with an unhappy, angry look. on the left, rose is wearing a crop top, a hoodie, & leggings, all grey. she has a peaceful, almost curious look & she seems to be pulling her hair back.

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Gekijô-ban: zero (2014) Dir. Mari Asato

The Sundays: Goodbye (1992)

"friends don't look at each other like that" well okay you coward you do whatever you want however i WILL look at my friends like they're the most important thing in the world. i love them with my whole heart and i will hold their hand and stare at the stars not because i wanna fuck them but because they mean the world to me and i care about them. fuck you

Benefits of a bowl cut