Oh, But Can You Imagine What They Could Have Had?

oh, but can you imagine what they could have had?

a starmaker bubbling over with joy, a demon questioning god on the walls of eden. a being who fell in love with an angel, fearing heaven and hell but fighting them anyway because that's what is right, what is decent. because that is who he is.

that demon would have spoken 'i love you' out-loud to his angel as soon as he heard humans using it. that crowley would have loved openly, unashamed, willing to stand between aziraphale and their worlds.

but aziraphale couldn't do any of that, and so he carried the weight of his silence on his shoulders because there is nothing worse than loneliness, is there? i love him, we're not alone, it has to be enough.

eventually, he thought, he will be able to stand hearing me say it. that day never came, and what happened?

a demon who hides behind sarcasm and pretence because he learned that is how the world, how aziraphale, wants him. a demon that never speaks of his true feelings, a demon that never admits to love, a demon that submits to an angel's will because he cannot lose him, because he refuses to lose him, no matter how high the price.

finally, he thought that day. finally i can tell him. finally we can stop pretending, finally I can stop hiding.

then aziraphale accepted an offer and after six thousand years of hoping for more, he lost it all instead.